Today in retro gaming, we’re…wait, WHAT?! You’ve got to be kidding me. I am not writing about this–even I have standards. My editor has gone off the rails on a crazy train. Triverse, I’m not writing about this game, and there’s nothing you–what do you mean, “hostage situation”? You’re joking! You’re not joking… Ooooookaaaaaaay, right. Uh, today in retro gaming, Ubisoft released “Hooters Road Trip”. It’s exactly what it sounds like.
If you’ve ever looked at a driving game and thought, “If only this thing had more tits, and maybe some kind of restaurant endorsement,” you are exactly the demographic Hoplight Research was hoping to reach with Hooters Road Trip. Released March 26, 2002 for the PS1 and thus guaranteed to be ignored by everyone except hardcore collectors, fap-a-holics, and diseased gaming website editors looking for some desperate way to celebrate the day, Hooters Road Trip is just what it says on the box.
Only not. See, the back of the box refers to “good ol’ FULL THROTTLE ACTION”, “a WHITE-KNUCKLE RALLY RACE”, and “Hard Cross-Country Drivin'”. What the game delivers, on the other hand, is not-so-good first-gear action, hairy-knuckled stick shifting, and some of the least-complex quote-unquote Drivin’ since Exidy’s 1976 controversy-stirring Death Race. Your reward for driving across the highways and byways of these United States is the opportunity to see some mega-short (sub-five second) video clips of actual Hooters girls welcoming you whatever state you crossed into, then applauding you for placing first, second, or third. They don’t even offer you free wings or beer or anything for participating in this strange country-spanning event, just some new cars to unlock which perform pretty much the same as all the others in your garage.
Blocky graphics, muddy audio, and controls looser than some of the women picked to star in those short clips…there’s nothing good to be said about Hooters Road Trip. You don’t want it, the guy you bought it from didn’t want to sell it to you, and the developers sure as hell didn’t want this stuck on their resumes. It’s kind of like a prequel to The Guy Game, only without all the underage nudity that could get you arrested for owning it. And if that’s not the greatest selling point for a video game ever, I don’t know what is.
Can I have my Super Nintendo back now, Triverse?